In the last post I told you about how some one expressed annoyance at my blogging telling me to “get a life and get a wife.”
Well, what I did not tell her is that I have already tried. A few months ago I saw a poster in a newsagents window down Basingstoke High Street. “Do you have no life? Do you have no friends? Perhaps you are spending too much time at your computer, possibly blogging away whilst the world passes you by? Well don’t get depressed come speed dating at the Basingstoke Arms next Thursday and make lots of new friends!” Well, that was quite a turn up for the books. I resolved there and then to try speed dating. Once everyone saw how charismatic, articulate and intelligent I was I need never spend an evening in again.
So one Thursday evening I went along to the Basingstoke Arms. There were lots and lots of people there just waiting to be introduced to me. Once they heard my tuna risotto recipe I would be well in. Two hours later I went to the back of the room to see if anyone had left me their telephone numbers or rather to see who had not left me her telephone number. There were only two pieces of paper waiting for me. One said, “Get lost. You bore me.” Playing hard to get ehhh? The other said: “I feel our souls have achieved a connection at the level of quantum physics. A spark waiting to be kindled. When the universe was created our destinies were bound together. I have a strong interest in new age psychology and feel tuna risotto is a metaphor for something. After all tuna is a fish and we are a the end of the age of pisces. Who knows where history will take us. ‘Phone me on Basingstoke 222 746.”
So I telephoned the number. It was Basingstoke Building Society. Surely some mistake? No apparently there is not much demand for naturopaths in Basingstoke at the moment so my new friend had taken a job at the building society, just for the time being you understand. “Can I take you out to dinner?” I asked. “There is a great Italian restaurant …” “Sorry I don’t eat Italian.” “Indian?” “No” “Chinese” “No” “Lebanese?” “No, it is just I have some allergies and most cooked foods give me a problem.” “Why is that?” “Look it is just the way my metabolism is built” she growled. “How about the vegan place above the holistic clinic? I’ll ask them to make sure your food does not come in contact with anything cooked.”
So we met up. My new friend nibbled on some rice crackers whilst I had a quinoa roast. “Of course I am not just a naturopathic doctor,” she declared I can talk to the dead. “Really?” I replied “It would be great to speak to my grandfather. “It is NOT as easy as that. You just need to be prepared to act as a receptor for the disembodied spirits out there.” “Well, I s’pose given that at your clinic you tell people to avoid conventional medicine there must be quite a lot of disembodied spirits trying to contact you.” I have to say I looked rather good with a quinoa roast on top of my head. You might say it was a new age hair style.
So there I was still without any friends. There must be some one out there who would appreciate me. So I logged on to friends4you.com and quickly found some one who was a life coach. Now if that was not glamorous and exciting I don’t know what is. Unfortunately, our meeting did not last longer than the starter. “You chose garlic bread. You’re obviously a loser with no friends. You need a copy of my latest book How to Be Brilliant and Change your Sad Old Life for only £19.99 (CD optional for an extra £12.99). In fact why not come along to my next seminar? Usually they cost £695 + VAT. However, select and lucky individuals get to come for free. I do think you deserve and need a scholarship for my programme.” [Readers I have to confess to attending the three day seminar. I'll tell you about that another time.]
Undaunted at my second brush off I picked up the latest issue of The Basingstoke Bugle. They have a section for people who want to make connections NOT a lonely hearts column you understand, but rather a means by which intelligent and charismatic people could get in touch with each other. “Nutritional therapist seeks similarly successful and charismatic individual for discussions about the latest nutritional theories (systematic reviews optional).”
The following week I was back at the vegan restaurant. Once we started eating I asked the question that had been playing on my mind all week: “What is a nutritional therapist?” “Well, ” she answered, “difficult to say. One thing I will say is that I am not a dietitian. They take orders from doctors.” “Okay. Who do you take orders from?” “Well there is a man, a leader of our movement who has spent the last thirty years studying nutrition. ” “Is he a dietitian?” “Err … no” said my date. “Let me show you something I do not show very many people.” She then got something out of her hand bag that looked like a school pencil case. She opened it up. “Gosh,” I gasped, “You have got a lot of pills there.” “They are not pills,” she growled, “they are supplements to help rescue me from sub-optimum health.” “What are they supplementing?” I asked. “Come to my place next weekend and all will be revealed.”
I arrived the following Saturday and was ushered in to the living room. “Watch this,” she ordered. For the next three hours I had to watch a video with a man called Patrick talking about something called optimum nutrition. How that was different to normal nutrition Patrick was not letting on. “Our movement has a bible” she declared. “Ahhh yes. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” “No, not that bible this bible,” she said handing me a book called The Optimum Nutrition Bible written by the same man who had presented the video we had just seen. Apparently the book could be mine for just £14.99, though the video was not included.
So the readers despite my best efforts I have still not got any friends, but the moral of this story is who needs friends when you have got a blog ehhh?