Archive for the ‘The Day of The Nutritionista’ Category

The Day of The Nutritionista Part IV

August 9, 2008

Mrs Williams was asking herself what the last eleven years had been for. It certainly was not easy being the wife of a bishop, even so when it came to being the wife of the Rt. Rev. Dr Roger Williams the Bishop of Basingstoke. She could not really understand why he had stayed in the town so long. After all with his talents he could have got himself a job at an Episcopalian seminary in the States with a salary of $200,000+. He thought Basingstoke was his vocation and because it was his vocation it became hers as well. It was not easy being married to such a popular saint, but she loved him with all her heart and her mind. Almost everyone in town had been touched by him in some way. There was only a couple of years to go until retirement and she was trying to persuade him to go and be a visiting professor somewhere hot. That, alas, was not to be as he was lying dead and cold in Basingstoke morgue.

She was brought back from her thoughts by the questioning of Captain Bellodi and Sergeant Sexton.

“Was there anyone who hated your husband Mrs Williams? Was there anyone who wanted to see him dead?”

“Oh no, everyone loved him. We even had Richard Dawkins singing at Sunday lunch one week. Well actually, we did get some trouble from a local nutrition therapist.”

“How did that come about?”

“Well, one Sunday Roger preached a sermon on splendor of Creation and the Creator having provided us with more than we could ever hope or desire. The woman concerned took it all very personally saying he had forgotten the necessity of supplements to promote a healthy life. She kept ringing us up at all hours of the day and night. She also disrupted Evensong one Wednesay. Most unpleasant. Nettlay Publishing became upset when Roger chose a small local book store to publish one of his books. ”

“Any other enemies?”

” Well, the Dean of Woking coveted his job – horrible man!”

Anne Nick-Dote was one of the few people in Basingstoke not sorry about the death of Bishop Roger. She immediately went on Radio Basingstoke to say he deserved his death due to his lack of support for orthomolecular medicine. Strange how everyone used to say what a “nice” person she was. Unfortunately, when the sheep lose their shepherd things turn nasty. Within a few hours the windows of Basingstoke Nutritionists had been smashed and her car tyres had been slashed. The police advised her that it was perhaps prudent not to open until after things had calmed down. More importantly her poll ratings in the Basingstoke by-election were falling. It looked as though her campaign was doomed. Fortunately, Paddy Whole-Food the world’s greatest nutritionist had taken an interest in the campaign. He gave her a ring to offer the services of her PR team. What else could an aspiring politician want?

Later that evening he was a guest on BBC Basingstoke’s political hour with Jezza Pacman.

“Thank you for joing us Mr Whole-Food. You have certainly been the subject of a lot of controversy recently. Can you comment on the allegations that Basingstoke FE College appointed you as its acting honorary deputy lecturer in nutrition in exchange for cash?”

“Well, not exactly the School of Social Sciences is doing some trials with fish oil supplements in local Basingstoke primary schools. The Nettlay Corporation are kindly funding the venture.”

“Don’t they produce fish oil supplements. Is there any control group? Aren’t you the head of research of Nettlay Neutraceutical?”

“Well, we don’t really need a control group as we already know fish oil supplementation works. Beside it would be too expensive.”

“Hmmm … The Nettlay Corporation did have pre-tax profits of £200million last year so you would have thought they could have found a small amount of cash to do a proper controlled experiement. There have been some strange goings on in Basingsoke recently. What was your reaction to the death of the Rt. Rev. Roger Williams?”

“Well, of course it was a tragedy. Although supporters of orthomolecular medicine had their differences with the bishop we recognise that all those in favour of optimum nutrition have to work together. That’s why myself and Anne Nick-Dote are working with the Dean of Woking to help out with his memorial service which takes place on Friday.”

“What are your plans for the next few months Mr Whole-Food?”

“I was afraid you would never ask that Jezza. I have a new book out to help people cure their addictions called “How to Buck up without Fucking up.”

“I beg your pardon Mr Whole-Food ????!!!! This the BBC you know. Swearing before the watershed is one thing, but you are also guilty of product placement.”

“Ummm … sorry. The book title is actually “How to Buck up without ****ing up.”

“Get out of my studio. At least Radovan never swore when I met him.”

Coincidentally the Dean of Woking organised the memorial service to take place three days before polling day. The eulogy at the service was given by Anne Nick-Dote – rather strange given she had never met the late and much lamented bishop. Mrs Williams was none too pleased. Try to to imagine yourself in her position readers.

“Now my friends is the hour of decision. Are you FOR or against optimum nutrition? The choice is yours!”

(So who do you think murdered Bishop Williams readers? Was it Paddy Whole-Food, Anne-Nick Dote, the Dean of Woking or some one else ???)

To be continued ….

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THE DAY OF THE NUTRIONISTA – PART 3

July 12, 2008

Basingstoke previously had a reputation as a sleepy commuter town, but all that had changed with the mysterious death of the local MP. For some reason strange things were going on. Apparently now it was going to be the location for the launch of a new political movement ….

“We want nutrition? When do we want it? Now!!! What type of nutrition do we want? Optimum! Optimum! Optimum! What’s the opposite of Optimum Nutrition – sub-optimum nutrition? What happens to be people who indulge in sub-optimum nutrition? They DIE! … ummm eventually”

In every generation The Almighty raises up men and women of great stature to provide leadership and bring about change. Anne Nick-Dote [pause here and say her name slowly in order not to miss the joke] regarded herself as such as an individual. She was a privately trained nutrition therapist with a DipNut from the Northern College of Naturopathic Nutrition Therapy. Returning to her home town she founded Basingstoke Nutritionists – the town’s first nutrition therapy practice! In short she was an agent of change a bit like the Nettlay Corporation Co-Enzyme supplements she sold in her practice for £20 a jar. (Actually, if you are interested there is currently 10% until … umm … all the supplements are sold.)

Now she had founded a new political party The Party of Optimum Nutrition – a party dedicated to well-being and holistic wholeness. Holistic wholeness was a phrase she often used with her clients and in her weekly column for the Basingstoke Bugle. No one had actually asked her to explain the concept of holistic wholeness which was just as well really.

Captain Bellodi and Sgt Sexton stood watching in the crowd at the party’s first rally in Basingstoke Stadium. With the warm up over Anne Nick-Dote addressed the shock troops of this new political revolution: “I have been slogging away here in Basingstoke for five years. But now the time has come to take the message to Westminster. Doctors don’t care and politicians don’t care because they have all been bribed by big pharmaceutical companies! We need to take the fight to them and show we mean business. Let me tell you about a client of mine. She was overweight and ate processed food most days. I told her to eat less, exercise more and take lots of supplements. She is now a new creation! Vote Optimum Nutrition and transform the world!”

Captain Bellodi was not impressed. It reminded him of the stories his grandfather had told him about Mussolini in the 1920s. His grandfather had been not impressed which is why he joined the partisans. He wondered now whether the cult of nutritionalism posed as great a danger to civilisation as fascism had seventy-five years ago.  He was brought back to reality by the voice of Sgt Sexton:  “It is all a load of nonsense.  The real danger is that people will see healthy eating as some kind of expensive endurance course and just give up on the whole thing. Five portions of fruit and veg, a bit of dairy, plenty of wholegrains and you can’t go far wrong, ehhh?”  “Let’s go sergeant. Perhaps we can arrange an interview with Anne Nick-Dote.”

As they drove off Sgt Sexton turned the radio on to Sunlight FM.

“Hallo lovely listeners. Welcome to nutrition hour on Sunlight FM. Today we have Paddy Whole-Food widely regarded by his many admirers as the world’s greatest nutritionist. And we have got our first caller, Jim, on line one …”

“Paddy … um … not sure if you have ever been asked this before, but what supplements do you use?”

“Ha, ha, ha Jim. I have been asked that queston once or twice before. I use my own specially formulated multi-vitamin, fish oil and memory pills. They are available from my website for the special price of £50 for a month’s supply – 10% discount if you join my supporters club.”

“Okay our next caller is DVnutrix from … err … Holford Watch.”

“Yeah, I would like to know if there is any evidence your pills actually work. Is there any peer-reviewed science available?”

“Sorry we appear to have lost that call. Now Paddy tell us about your latest plans we understand you are planning to visit Basingstoke.”

“Yes, one of my top nutrition therapists is standing for election there. I am going to offer my support. In fact I would urge everyone who believes in optimum nutrition to go to Basingstoke and her campaign.”

“Umm … Paddy … you may be the world greatest nutritionist, but I am afraid you don’t know much about election law. Broadcasters are not allowed to show bias to one candidate during election campaigns.  I am afriad I am going to have to fire you as Sunlight FM’s nutritionist. Good-bye.”

Captain Bellodi and Sergeant Sexton were not too impressed. They were just about to turn over to listen to Ben Goldacre on Radio 4 when Captain Bellodi’s mobile rang.

“What’s that Prime Minister.  Do we think he’s a threat to national security?  No, more of a threat to national sanity so it won’t be easy to lock him up for 42 days.  Anyway, we’re not interested in the politics just whether his claims are nonsense or not.  Good-bye.”

A rather sombre voice then came on to the radio. “We interrupt Sunlight FM’s Nutrition Hour for a newsflash. The Rt Rev Dr Roger Williams, the Bishop of Basingstoke was shot this afternoon just after leading Choral Evensong. He was rushed to the local A&E department, but died soon afterward when homeopathic doctor on duty admitted there was nothing she could do him.”

“My goodness,” gasped Sgt Sexton, “that’s incredible.”  “Yes, ” replied Captin Bellodi “quite astonishing really, a homeopathic doctor admitting to being incompetent.”  “No, I mean who would want to kill the Rev. Rog. I mean he was such a sweet old gent.  There is something very strange happening here ….”

To be continued ….

THE DAY OF THE NUTRITIONISTA PART TWO

June 27, 2008

In the last episode of The Day of the Nutrionista Captain Bellodi recruits an assistant. Before they can discuss their mission they learn of the death of Sir Montgomerie Scott-Wilson, the MP for Basingstoke.

Sir Montgomerie had never been a believer in optimum nutrition. In fact you might say his life was about proving the healthy eating lobby wrong. He loved his wine, salt, sugar and saturated fats. Unfortunately this led to him being rather overweight. So there he was sitting lifeless in his study with a bottle of wine at his side. Actually he looked pretty much like he did when he was doozing in the debating chamber of The House of Commons.

“Hmmm, he was drinking some Nettlay claret,” said Sergeant Sexton. “He obviously went happy. What do you think of this optimum nutrition lark, Sir? Is it all controlled by Gillian MacKeith and Patrick Holford?” “No, no they are just the fall guys. It is like when I was investigating the Mafia there was the ones who did the crime, but a shadowy boss behind the scenes organising it all.” “So,” gasped Sgt Sexton, “You think there is a controlling mind behind it all?” “Definitely, but would they kill for their ideas? Difficult to say.” “Yessss, well it is not as though anyone is against Optimum Nutrition is it? I mean has anyone ever written a book called the Sub-Optimum Nutrition Bible? Even Macdonalds are putting nutritional labels on their products.” “How do you know that Sgt Sexton?”  At that point Captain Bellodi’s phone rang saving Sgt Sexton having to explain her lapses in to sub-optimal nutrition.  “No, no Prime Minister it looks like his diet killed him rather than any third party.  Yes, that may well be what THEY want us to think. Umm … but that’s what has happened. Okay, you have got to be off to see the chairman of Nettlay. We’ll keep you updated.”

“So there’s going to be a by-election now, Sir. I do love a good by-election. They are quite a treasured feature of British politics you know allowing students and political junkies the opportunity to stay up all night. Boy we have had some exciting by-elections over the years. Oxford in 1938 on the issue of appeasement – vote for Hogg and save your bacon!  Torrington in 1958, the first sign of the revival of the Liberal Party. Bringing things right up to date we have the Crewe and Nant-”  “Yes, yes sergeant but what exactly is going to happen next?”  “Well there will be a by-election in Basingstoke of course!  Still I can’t see it being a major political upset as it’s a safe Conservative seat.”

At that point the news came on:  “In a development that has shocked the established parties. A new political force has announced its intention of contesting the upcoming Basingstoke by-election …”

To be continued ….

The Day of The Nutritionista Part I

June 15, 2008

As the minister for food drove through Whitehall his car was pelted with fish oil supplements. Of course the event could have been a coincidence totally unrelated to his statement in the House of Commons the previous day that there was no proof of the effectiveness of supplements. Perhaps it was young hooligans or perhaps ….. it was an assassination attempt. The government knew what it had to do.

Captain Bellodi was a senior officer in the Italian police force. Due to his success in combating the Mafia he had been appointed to the European Union’s Bad Science Task Force charged with routing out and investigating nonsense.  He arrived at Heathrow on a bright sunny day.  “Could this be the home of optimum nutrition?” he asked himself. “This sceptred isle. Land of the free. Home of John Locke, Bertand Russell, John Stuart Mill, Florence Nightingale, Winston Churchill and Monty Python.”  Yes, he knew the people of Britain and found it difficult to believe they were falling for nutri-bullocks in large numbers.

Apparently it was all centred on a shadowy organisation known as Basingstoke Nutritionists. Who were they and what they was doing was something he had to find out and fast before some one got hurt.

First though he had to find a local to help him out some one familiar perhaps with nutrition?

“Yes sir, I come from an multi-ethnic background in a cosmopolitan city. What is more I have done postgraduate training in dietetics at Kings College, London. What I don’t about anything isn’t worth knowing. What is more I do like food. It is much nicer than supplements ehhh?  Anyway, my name’s Sgt Sexton. Pleased to be working with you.”

“Look,” replied Capain Bellodi, “This is a serious endeavour. The fate of western civilisation could be at stake.”  “Il mio capitano, I am very serious.”

At that moment a breathless police officer arrived in the room: “Excuse me for interrupting you captain, but we have just had some breaking news in. Sir Montgomerie Wilson-Watson, the MP for Basingstoke has been found dead.”

To be continued ……